


Night Changes

by storm_dog_pirate



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: F/M, HAKDFSHLKAS, and i'm trash, another fluff from me, because i want more
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:01:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26797027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storm_dog_pirate/pseuds/storm_dog_pirate
Summary: The nightmares of the past are inevitable, and Nikolai isn't invulnerable to them. But somehow, he could bear these nights with Zoya beside him.
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Comments: 2
Kudos: 43





	Night Changes

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the third prompt for the Angstober/Softober list 'Sleepless' and 'Whispers'.

Nikolai dreaded mornings, but he  _ feared _ nights. 

It was the time of the day that there was a high possibility that he would not be himself, that the monster would take over him, and the real him would be pushed back to the deepest depths of darkness without any guarantee of turning back. 

The nightmares contributed to it too. Most of the time they were memories; some were the few happy ones he had that would suddenly turn into a twisted tale of sad endings, and the others were the ones he  _ wanted _ to forget. 

This was probably the main reason why sleep eluded him, or he just decided to stay away from it, choosing to seek calmness in the balcony or the gardens, sometimes even the war room. 

But that was before Nikolai didn't have someone to turn to. 

Tonight was no different from the past as one of his nightmares plagued him again. He hadn’t meant to sleep, but he felt exhausted from all the duties in the day, and he ended up passing out the moment his body hit the mattress.

There were times that he was thankful for sleep to just be around the corner. This certainly wasn’t one of them.

It was the memory from the bell tower in Balakirev, the one time he didn’t want to remember and yet it always seemed to haunt him. He’d only had flashes of that day, but his mind warped it into the thing he feared: hurting  _ her _ .

His monster stalked towards her, slow and dangerous, and she still didn’t move from her place by the wall. There was the cold fear in her eyes as she stared back at him, very far from the usual sharp and observant ones that she had. 

_ Run, get away from me _ , Nikolai tried saying, but he was trapped in his demon the way he was in this nightmare. There was nothing else he could do. 

He raised his talons to strike, and then it went down—

His eyes flew open and he bolted upright, breaths coming out in short bursts as he tried to make out his surroundings. 

“Nikolai?” a soft voice said from beside him, and he turned to see Zoya now sitting up, looking at him with a worried crease between her eyebrows. He never felt so relieved to see her, even if he’d just seen her before he slept. 

Nikolai tried to smile, but it felt more of a grimace. “Hey,” he said, reaching a hand up to her cheek. “Did I wake you?”

“What’s wrong?” she asked instead, totally ignoring his question.

“Just a dream, no big deal,” he lied smoothly. It was unfair for him to not say the truth, he knew, but the nightmare felt too real. And it was, he had hurt her that day, and he couldn’t turn back time to make it right. With a sigh, he ran a hand through his hair, and then dropped it on his lap. “You should go back to sleep. I think I’ll be up for a while.”

Amidst the faint light from the moon that lit their room in the dim light, the scars on his hands still looked dark as if determined not to fade. He had long since got ridden of the monster inside him, but the reminders of it were evident as ever. 

Zoya didn’t say anything else, but her hand reached out to hold both of his, her touch light and warm. Her thumbs caressed the skin of his wrists. “Come here,” she said, pulling him gently to her, and Nikolai let her.

They lay back down on the bed, and he nestled his face in her neck. One of her hands began to play at the curls on his nape, the movements slow and deliberate. His arm wrapped around her waist.

“Balakirev,” he said, and her hand stopped for a moment. It was no doubt that she remembered it too. Nikolai felt shame grip at him, the emotion coming back full force as he was reminded of the look of fear in her eyes that  _ he _ had caused. He sighed and said, “I’m sorry.”

To his surprise, Zoya cut him with a light laugh. “It’s a long time ago,” she said, tone mild, her hand continuing its ministrations in his hair. “And if you think you could handle me alone, I assure you, that’s impossible.”

“Improbable,” Nikolai corrected, and chuckled softly when he felt a pinch on his neck. He appreciated the momentary distraction from her, but the feeling still lingered. “I know it’s been a long time, but I just wanted to say it again.”

“You’ve pushed past that.  _ We’ve _ pushed past that.” Zoya leaned back, looking down at him. Her hand brushed back a stray hair from his forehead. “You’re more than your past mistakes, Kolya.”

Nikolai couldn’t help a smile on his lips, his hand reaching up to her face again. “Who are you, and what did you do to my ruthless Zoya?” he joked, and her hand shoved at his face playfully. 

“Shut up and try to sleep, or I will take that back.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” 

He buried his face back down to her neck, his arm wrapping tighter around her waist. He didn’t know if it was just his exhaustion, or the movement of her hand on his nape, but his eyes were starting to feel heavy again. 

A few moments later, he could feel sleep taking over, and before he could pass out, he was still able to mumble, “I love you.”

The feel of Zoya’s lips on his forehead was the last thing he remembered before sleep finally took over.

There were no more nightmares this time, and Nikolai slept peacefully. 


End file.
